Too Suave?
Ok, folks. This is something I've been wondering about for a while. I've read a lot and talked a lot to people about ethical issues surrounding romantic/platonic relationships. I've established many whys and wherefores for myself about abstinence, our Higher Power's design for sex/love, and modesty -for women. What I can't figure out very well is what modesty is for guys. I'll tell you what I'm looking for, and then you can feel very free to be honest with your feedback.
I've learned that men are visually oriented, that the female form is attractive not just artistically, but erotically too. So, if women do nothing more than alter the way they dress, they can drastically affect how easy or difficult it is for men who see them to keep their mind out of the gutter. (Yes, but it is still ultimately up to the man what he chooses to think about.)
What about the other way around? What things do men do that just make it really difficult for women to keep their feelings under control?
I'll bet that you guys can relate with me on this; one of my great relational insecurities is from the attraction / infatuation that girls have toward me. I know I cannot control women, but I also know that my actions (probably more than what I wear) affect how they think about me, how likeable I am, and what type of relationship they think that we have.
So help me out. What can I do to be relationally confident and still say very loudly and clearly that my relationship with a women is only platonic. Can I love a female peer in "brotherly love", and can I love a younger girl as a father without sending the wrong messages? If so, how?
I'm looking forward to your responses.
-Yore Truly
posted by Yore Truly @ 7:43 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
modesty for guys is not what they wear, but the everyday actions and words they say to women. Modesty for men is not playing around with someone's heart just because it's fun and you like attention. If you have a friend that's a girl,but you don't like her romantically... don't send her flowers, don't write letters, don't call on valentine's day, and DEFINITLY DON'T SEND chocolate!~! Don't sweet talk, don't beat around the bush, don't play games with her heart....be real,be blunt and be gentle at the same time.You can only get so close to a woman without her wondering if the friendship is developing into something deeper....
You asked: What can I do to be relationally confident and still say very loudly and clearly that my relationship with a women is only platonic.
There are two basic signals to me that an opposite sex relationship is platonic:
1) Neither person focuses too much time on the other, and one-on-one time is either non-existent or very limited.
2) Neither person is very intimate with the other. By intimacy, I don't just mean physical intimacy; I mean conversational intimacy too. There are some things you just can't say and still have the relationship be a platonic friendship.
Some people tell me that it is possible to have a close, one-on-one friendship, but I haven't found that it works very well. This signals are too mixed for both sides to be confident that the other person's interest really is platonic.
[C]an I love a younger girl as a father without sending the wrong messages?
I'd say no. One-on-one mentoring relationships between men and younger women/girls are very difficult, from my own experience and from what I've heard from others. You almost can't help but send mixed signals. I think it's certainly possible to be a (reserved) friend, but not a father figure.
Hmm...
Thinking on what you said makes me pose another question: How well do women respond -in your opinion- to a man defining the relationship.
If a girl is attracted to a guy and he expresses that he doesn't have feelings for her or chooses not to pursue her, is that a strong enough statement for her to look past any discrepancies in his conduct, or do his actions speak louder than his words in this type of situation?
And what of the other way around? If a guy says that he loves a girl, but he doesn't actively love her, does she believe him?
-Yore Truly
I'd say actions speak louder than words. The girl may hear what the guy is saying about not having feelings for her, but she will almost certainly be confused by his actions. And even if she's not confused, per se, I'm sure it would feel like he's toying with (manipulating) her. If the guy truly has no interest in her, why send mixed signals? That's kinda cruel to her.
As for the flip side of the question, if a guy says he loves a girl but doesn't actively love her, she'll probably believe him for a while. I think both sexes have a strong tendency to make excuses for each other and look past flaws in the initial stages of attraction. But eventually, of course, you start to see who the person really is. That's not a fun realization!
modesty: Hmmmm....what is the point of covering up around a guy if he doesn't find you attractive anyways??? there's no need to cover up if he doesn't think your pretty.....there's no lust to protect him from, so why cover up around a guy when he has made it plain that he doesn't like what he sees anyways??? kinda pointless don't ya think??
First of all I want to commend you for your respect of woman. It is rare if never that a young man takes this responsibility seriously.
The part I think that you are missing, I believe, is that both man and woman are attracted to many of the same characteristics.
In my opinion both men and women are attracted visually, although women often do not feel the lust as strongly and many men do, however emotional attraction plays a very strong part as well.
Unfortunately most initial attraction is subconscious. For instance, animal predators can smell or "sense" fear on their prey and this will cause them to go in for the kill that much quicker. We can see how this influences the Human realm also in predators. Anyone who has been assaulted (physically or sexually) puts off SOMETHING that these twisted people are attracted to. It stands to reason that this subconscious communication also affects normal and healthy relationships.
I believe you can have a platonic relationship with the opposite sex for a while yes. I agree with what Jamie said, “Signals are too mixed for both sides to be confident that the other person's interest really is platonic.” At some point in time sexual attraction will trigger. Sometimes this can be caused by something as simple as sexual frustration.
The point is all it takes is ONE in this platonic relationship to begin to doubt that it is really platonic. Then that person will begin, consciously or subconsciously, to put out signals, testing the water so to speak. These signals will confuse the other person in the relationship to begin doubting as well. Then as both begin to send out signals they realize (incorrectly) that they are attracted to each other.
This can sometimes lead to disaster for the relationship. Because, as platonic friends, you often know a LOT more about them then a possible romantic interest (especially if it has been a long term relationship) it is easy as this romantic relationship grows to (during a lovers quarrel) to throw short comings of previous actions that have NOTHING to do with you. This leads to a feeling of betrayal of the friendship this relationship was developed on.
In short, I believe that in a perfect world there can be a platonic relationship between the opposite sexes. If both were more in touch with their feelings and were able to talk about their doubts rather then brush them under the carpet and wait for them to explode it would also be possible.
As to your question of relationship between a young lady and an older male, Hmmm, not to sure on that one. If it was a case of being a godfather or something like that where the girl wasn’t likely to connect you with romantic notions it would be possible. However, if the girl was closer to your age and you were just mentoring her in something (anything) it would be very easy for unhealthy romantic feelings to develop.
Anyway I hope my rantings make sence.
Post a Comment
<< Home